Trying Not To Let You Go
by ILoVeWicked
Summary: It had been a year, the date of Coleen’s birthday. Out of that whole year, those three hundred sixty-five days, she had finally mustered up the courage to pay Coleen a long awaited visit from her mother."


**And I Have Turned My Whole World Upside Down Trying Not to Let You Go**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Legally Blonde the Musical.**

"Hey, Honey. It's…um…it's been a whole year now, and Mommy finally got the guts to show up and wish you a happy birthday. _A lot _has happened in the past year since I last saw you."

She took a jagged, shallow breath of springtime air as she stared down at her baby girl, Coleen. It had been a year, the date of Coleen's birthday. Out of that whole year, those three hundred sixty-five days, she had finally mustered up the courage to pay Coleen a long awaited visit from her mother.

"You know, it didn't have to be this way. You could be spending your first birthday with me instead of spending it here." She let out a small laugh as she thought about that year, those three hundred sixty-five days, without her little girl.

"I remember the day you were born," she said bitterly, recalling the day's events too well for her liking. "I had been having back and stomach pain all day, and your father—the worry wart he was—was convinced that I was going into labor, and me—the hormonal whale _I_ was--strongly disagreed. It was too early. You still had three months to grow. Turns out, when my water broke less than an hour after our argument, your Daddy was right. Although I had expected to be the one freaking out, it was your dad who hit his head on, like, five walls. I'd say he was more scared than I was."

"We had to pull over at least three times on what was a simple five minute car ride to the hospital. My contractions were worse than any normal contraction, I was sure of it, and my pained noises had led Daddy to pull over so many times to check and see if I was okay. Of course, not to worry him, I said I was fine...but this pain didn't feel okay to me. My sister, who I had helped deliver three kids of her own, had classified her contractions to be a ten on a scale from one to ten. Well, on a scale from one to ten, my contractions were a fifteen, maybe even worse."

"I'm not going to lie to you or try to talk around what happened next, but the third time we stopped was when I noticed the blood seeping from my pants and onto the car's leather upholstery. And by that point, I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that something was terribly wrong, and I was scared to death."

"My body had always been healthy, Coleen. I never took a single drug, barely drank, and I exercised every single day. I even took extra special care of my body for the six months I carried you. So imagine my surprise when you decided to come early…a little _too_ early. Don't get me wrong, I didn't mind at all that you were coming early. Sure, Daddy had never gotten around to setting up your crib yet, but I'm sure he would have done it as soon as we got home. We were both so excited that you were arriving."

She reached up and wiped a pained tear from under her eye. She gripped on tighter to the bouquet of pink roses she had been clutching.

"All I can remember after seeing the blood was screaming, making your dad almost swerve off of the road. And then I got so dizzy. The already-bustling streets seemed to be going even faster than before, at warp speed even."

"I'm not exactly sure how long I blacked out for, but the next thing I woke up to was a plaster ceiling. I looked around frantically to see doctors, nurses, needles, tubes, machines, and your father's horrified, worried face. Everyone's mouths were moving at a mile a minute, so fast that it didn't even look like their lips were parting. But I could hear the concern and urgency in their humming voices, especially the doctor's. My body was sore all over, like I had been pelted with rocks, and my limbs felt as heavy as lead. When I tried to call out to someone to let them know that I was awake, not a sound came from my dry, aching throat. The doctor was moving quickly, grabbing tools, poking and prodding me like I was his lab rat."

"And then I heard that horrible beeping noise. The noise you hear on TV when someone in a hospital is about to die. I kept thinking, praying that the dying patient was me and not you. I wanted it to be me. I had lived a good thirty year life. I had a super-successful job, I had made many close friends, married the most wonderful man on earth, and I was about to have you. What more could I ask for? I wanted that normally paced heartbeat to be yours, and the rapidly slowing heartbeat to be mine. _You _needed to live, Honey. Daddy deserved to get to meet you. Heck, I deserved to meet you too. Wouldn't it have been amazing if we had both made it out of the ER alive?"

"I heard a flat line a few minutes later, but I didn't feel dead. I didn't see a light or see my life flash before my eyes. Instead, I felt the doctor pull you from my body, which had been cut open, and whisper to the nurse a word that no first time mother ever wants to hear:

'Stillborn'.

The word made me snap from my drowsy state. I was fully alert, but I stayed perfectly silent. I couldn't bring myself to say anything, because I knew it would just hurt too much. It stung my ears to hear your daddy cry like that while the doctor stitched me back up. The word hung in the air like a sour music note as the doctor asked Daddy if he wanted to hold you."

"That's when I sprung up, sobbing, screaming, and flailing my arms around in every direction. 'No!' I screamed. 'She can't be dead! It's not fair! She was our baby, our little girl! She just can't be dead! She can't!' I hugged your father close, both of us crying such heartbreaking sobs that even the toughest military general would break down and cry with us. It really wasn't fair, you know. It should be against the law to never get to meet your baby. I would have paid anything to get to see you alive for just one second."

"Once Dad and I had composed ourselves, the doctor sympathetically placed you, cold, tiny, and lifeless, in my arms. Even if you weren't alive, I could see that you were already such a beautiful girl. I ran a hand down your perfect blue cheek and over your closed eyelids, the eyelids containing the eyes I would never get to see you open and look into. It was scarier than I had last remembered it, holding a dead person, I mean. I had done it once before, I had cried over a dead person's body once before, but it had never felt this…devastating. You didn't even get to breathe, Coleen. Not a single, little breath passed those perfect little lips. It wasn't fair to you, Sweetheart."

She knelt down, the knees of her jeans getting wet and muddy from the freshly rained upon ground, and reached out to touch Coleen's headstone. She and her husband had bought the beautiful little girl a pink headstone, the color that would have been the same as the color of her first outfit. She looked around at the unfamiliar surroundings as she thought about the last time she had been at her daughter's grave site.

"Your funeral was small and pretty, just like you were. Only me and daddy's families and some of our close friends stood by us as we watched you get lowered into the ground. I had no idea that they had actually made caskets your size. I kept my eyes dry that whole agonizing hour and a half we said goodbye to you, trying to stay strong. I tried to be strong for you even after the funeral. But trying to stay strong made me become closed-off and mute to everyone, including Daddy. I walked around like a zombie for months; I was going through what our therapist called 'post-partum depression'. I kept blaming myself for losing you. I kept thinking, 'If I had just ate a little healthier, worked out a little more, or even listened to your dad when I went into labor earlier, maybe she would still be here with me. Maybe she wouldn't be dead.' I got so upset and so mad at myself for being able to save you…I…"

"I tried to kill myself. When Daddy was at work, I grabbed a kitchen knife and started to cut a slit on my wrist. Bright red, rusty-smelling blood poured from the cut, and I actually smiled at the sight of it. At the time, the pain felt satisfying enough. If my mom hadn't have dropped in on a whim to say hello, I'd probably be with you right now. And when I woke up in that hospital bed and saw your father's face, I knew that attempting suicide was the stupidest move I had ever made."

"From that moment on, I decided to pick my life back up. I started working again, and I began to go out with my friends again. I laughed again. The truth was, no matter how much I missed you, I couldn't have left your dad. Daddy was that one person who had truly helped me get through everything. He was the only person who could get me to smile in those months of depression, he had been the only one who was able to make me feel a little comforted when he told me that things were going to get better, because he, unlike everyone else, knew exactly how it felt. He told me that you were in a happier place, watching over us. And your daddy, the wonderful man he is, was the one who encouraged me to come here and wish you a happy first birthday."

She had prepared herself to cry. While her husband drove her here and told her about all of the times he had visited Coleen's grave, she zoned him out and promised herself that she would allow herself to cry. She had purposefully not worn any mascara and stuffed a wad of tissues in her pocket to keep her promise. Her body shook as she sobbed freely, bent over Coleen's gravestone and yet perfectly aware that her husband was watching her from the car. She sniffled.

"Although you should be here right now, getting ready to blow out your special birthday candle, I still hope your birthday, wherever you may be, is a great one. I don't know if I ever want another kid again, because I could bear losing another child like I had lost you. But if it ever happens and your father and I do decide to have another baby, Coleen, know that I would never try to replace you. You will always keep that very special spot in my heart, no matter what. Happy birthday, Coleen. I love you so, so much."

She wiped her eyes and laid the bundle of roses down on the soft soil, reaching out to touch her daughter's name, carved in stone, but also carved in her heart, before she got back up to drive home.

_Coleen Huntington_

_Beloved Daughter_

_April 12, 2014 - April12, 2014_

**Hey everyone! So it's been a little bit, and A LOT has happened in that little bit! For starters, my school play, The Music Man (I know...I know...it's kind of stupid in my opinion. I suggested Legally Blonde, but everyone just shot me down like a deer during hunting season.), just started today, and I have the part of Alma Hix, which is a relatively main character. So if I'm absent for a long time due to my obligations with the show, I apologize. ****Also, I got to see the tour of Legally Blonde on Dec. 6 for my birthday, and of course, it was amazing! Though the BWAY version and the OBC will always have a special place in my heart, I still LOVED the tour! It was like falling in love all over again! The five people that were supposed to sit beside me didn't show up, so I had the whole row to myself...free to dance along to Positive without getting strange looks! **

**And the show inspired me to write this. Not the most happy, humerous, story, but I hope you guys still enjoyed it. I've never actually delt with a person who has given birth to a stillborn baby (I was in a bad mood when I wrote this a few weeks ago...hence the angsty choice of topic.), so I'm sorry if not everything was accurate or was too farfetched. As far as "she" is in the story...I cannot tell. But I can give hints: A) Think...what couples do I tend to write for...? and B) Look on the official LB website, at the names of the actors in the tour, and which characters they play. That may help you. Thanks a bunch for reading! And don't hesitate to press that little green button and review! Reviewers get an empty Redbull can which I have handpicked from "Emmett's trashcan", and of course, the ever popular cyber hug!**

**-ILoVeWicked**


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